My Fan

It’s been a hard day, cranky and uncomfortable.  Then I remember why….

Four years ago today I received the news that dad was taking a turn for the worse.  The critical, but stable state that he was in was deteriorating.  Unable to think well enough to try to find a place for the dogs and a flight for home, I loaded the car and started on the blackest day of my life to that point.  With a 12 hour drive facing me, I just prayed that he would hold out so that I could see him one more time.
The last time we were together was a family vacation at Holden Beach, NC.  Mom and Dad rented a big house there and we all went 7 adults and too many kids to count.  Fun and mayhem as all our family gatherings seem to be.  The beach provided a sand wheelchair as a free service, so we took dad out near the surf.  The wind burnt his eyes too much for him to fully enjoy it or tolerate it for very long.  But, my last morning at the beach I took him out for a bit, just the two of us.  I had no idea that it was the last time I would see him – maybe I would have had a longer or more meaningful conversation with him, asked him more questions, tried to find out a little bit more about the man that I’ve known all of my life.
But, we had a nice walk.  On the way back to the house we ran into mom out looking for shells – her favorite pastime.  And the three of us made our way back to the house.  It was midmorning by then so the house was full of activity.  We quickly transitioned from the calm of beachcombing to the energy of too many people in the kitchen trying to decide what to do for the day.  
Those moments alone with dad on the beach are ones that I’ll always treasure.  There was no deep conversation, no imparting of vast wisdom, just me and my dad, hanging out on the beach.
Six weeks later I’m on my desperate drive home praying for him to live a few measly hours and truly regretting my decision to wait one more day to go home.  Six hours into my drive, just outside Salina, KS, I received the dreaded phone call from my brother.  Dad just couldn’t hold out, he was gone.  
I weep as I write, it’s cathartic I guess.  I just miss him so much.  He was my biggest fan, for that and so many better reasons, he was hard to lose.