It’s been a hard day, cranky and uncomfortable. Then I remember why….
Four years ago today I received the news that dad was taking a turn for the worse. The critical, but stable state that he was in was deteriorating. Unable to think well enough to try to find a place for the dogs and a flight for home, I loaded the car and started on the blackest day of my life to that point. With a 12 hour drive facing me, I just prayed that he would hold out so that I could see him one more time.
The last time we were together was a family vacation at Holden Beach, NC. Mom and Dad rented a big house there and we all went 7 adults and too many kids to count. Fun and mayhem as all our family gatherings seem to be. The beach provided a sand wheelchair as a free service, so we took dad out near the surf. The wind burnt his eyes too much for him to fully enjoy it or tolerate it for very long. But, my last morning at the beach I took him out for a bit, just the two of us. I had no idea that it was the last time I would see him – maybe I would have had a longer or more meaningful conversation with him, asked him more questions, tried to find out a little bit more about the man that I’ve known all of my life.
But, we had a nice walk. On the way back to the house we ran into mom out looking for shells – her favorite pastime. And the three of us made our way back to the house. It was midmorning by then so the house was full of activity. We quickly transitioned from the calm of beachcombing to the energy of too many people in the kitchen trying to decide what to do for the day.
Those moments alone with dad on the beach are ones that I’ll always treasure. There was no deep conversation, no imparting of vast wisdom, just me and my dad, hanging out on the beach.
Six weeks later I’m on my desperate drive home praying for him to live a few measly hours and truly regretting my decision to wait one more day to go home. Six hours into my drive, just outside Salina, KS, I received the dreaded phone call from my brother. Dad just couldn’t hold out, he was gone.
I weep as I write, it’s cathartic I guess. I just miss him so much. He was my biggest fan, for that and so many better reasons, he was hard to lose.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Presents!!
Aren't presents fun!!
Katherine just returned from a sad and stress filled trip to NYC. True to her nature - always thinking of others - she brought back a little treat for me and MB. This is the sweetest little dress and shoes. Love 'em. She says the character on the shoes is good fortune - "foo". For some reason, being sleep and calorie deprived, I keep thinking of Mr T. saying "I pity the foo!" Sorry, It's past my bedtime. But such a lovely gift. Thanks friend.
Here are some other things about Katherine... she helped me fix my blog - yeah, and she has the sweetest standard named Sophie. We exchange dog-sitting. Here's a photo of the kids visiting their friend Sophie. It mush have been a while ago 'cause the hair is a little less 80's now.
<Next on my list of things to learn is editing my photos.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
what's happening??
So, I've been behind in posting here - kinda waiting until I can get my camera going and download all the quilt squares I've been getting. I finally get it done, I'm all excited to view the new mess and what happens.... everything has moved to the bottom of the blog. So now you have to be ambitious to get to my links and scroll all the way down to the bottom. I have no idea what happened, but I do know it's over my head! I'm an internet ignoramous! Good thing I have a year or so until MB comes home to figure it out!
So, moral of the story...if you want to see all the beautiful quilt squares I've been getting...scroll down and click on the link.
P.S. is there some way blogger will automatically correct my typos? I notoriously type adn and teh. Can't blogger figure out what I want to say? Microsoft word can.(I'm throwing down the gauntlet blogger - whatta ya gonna do to beat word, huh?)
So, moral of the story...if you want to see all the beautiful quilt squares I've been getting...scroll down and click on the link.
P.S. is there some way blogger will automatically correct my typos? I notoriously type adn and teh. Can't blogger figure out what I want to say? Microsoft word can.(I'm throwing down the gauntlet blogger - whatta ya gonna do to beat word, huh?)
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Attachment 101
I attended my 1st parenting class today. It was about attachment. Very interesting things to think about. Afterward (and during really) I felt a sense of empowerment that I will hopefully be able to engage well with my daughter, to understand and anticipate her needs. I also felt such sadness that these little souls are so neglected despite the nannies excellent attempts at caring for them - there just aren't enough adults to give these orphans the time and attention they need to learn to trust.
Now, I'm frustrated that these little souls are suffering in such a way when there are so many of us waiting to bring them home. Why the wait? Why a year more? AAAAggghhhhh! It really doesn't seem to be to anyone's benefit. Come on CCAA - speed up again! (currently CCAA is at about 12-13 months wait from LID to referral - My LID is May 16,2006)
I did have a nice time meeting and reconnecting with friends. I saw Caroline whom I don't think I've seen in 4-5 years - it's really fun to think of having friends in this process. She and her husband Cary have a LID in Jan. - LUCKY ( in a Napolean voice) I also met friends of friends - Michele and Rob whose LID is one day after mine - we likly will be traveling together - at least meeting at the White Swan.
After class I met up with 4 other single women I remembered from the orientation. They were going out to lunch, so I begged an invitation. We've now made plans to meet in a few weeks at the Dragon Boat Festival. I love connecting with these people. I'm looking forward to getting to know them.
Things I'm pondering.....
how in the heck am I going to get photos of all the quilt squares on my blog? I now have so many and am still expecing more. Why don't I keep up with these things? If I'd photograph and post them as they arrive I wouldn't be in this pickle.
later.....
Now, I'm frustrated that these little souls are suffering in such a way when there are so many of us waiting to bring them home. Why the wait? Why a year more? AAAAggghhhhh! It really doesn't seem to be to anyone's benefit. Come on CCAA - speed up again! (currently CCAA is at about 12-13 months wait from LID to referral - My LID is May 16,2006)
I did have a nice time meeting and reconnecting with friends. I saw Caroline whom I don't think I've seen in 4-5 years - it's really fun to think of having friends in this process. She and her husband Cary have a LID in Jan. - LUCKY ( in a Napolean voice) I also met friends of friends - Michele and Rob whose LID is one day after mine - we likly will be traveling together - at least meeting at the White Swan.
After class I met up with 4 other single women I remembered from the orientation. They were going out to lunch, so I begged an invitation. We've now made plans to meet in a few weeks at the Dragon Boat Festival. I love connecting with these people. I'm looking forward to getting to know them.
Things I'm pondering.....
how in the heck am I going to get photos of all the quilt squares on my blog? I now have so many and am still expecing more. Why don't I keep up with these things? If I'd photograph and post them as they arrive I wouldn't be in this pickle.
later.....
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Adoption Timeline
My adoption timeline:
Years ago
Years ago I met a single woman in her 40's at an Easter lunch. She had recently returned form China with her young daughter. I had heard of international adoption and of the situation for many girls in China, but this was the first time I had met someone who had taken the step and become a mother by adopting a Chinese girl. I was fascinated by the girl, the process, and by how Mom was relaxed and proud and much like any other mother I had met. I left the lunch that day and tucked the experience in the back of my mind somewhere. I said I would do that after I'd met someone, married, had a few of our own...then the time would be right. Well, as my life can attest to, sometimes life doesn't work out the way we plan.
So, still single, reaching the age of 40 I began thinking about having children. The family I met at Easter years before kept coming to mind. I knew that I could try to have a child, but the scare of birth defects and the fact that there were waiting children, already made, out there ready for a family swayed me toward adoption.
Sometime in 2004
My thoughts of adopting become more real. I actually began to think that it was something I could do. I freaked out at times about being a single mom, about the incredible change it would make on my carefree lifestyle (in fact, I still do), but ultimately I knew I wanted to be a mom. I talked to my mom about it, she being the pragmatic and hopeful one, was of course concerned about my single status, and the fact that I live 750 miles from her. She did say that she thought it would be difficult, but that I would be a good mom. (and, so much better for everyone if I would just move back home)
That short conversation is one that I revisit often. December 23,2004 my mother passed away unexpectedly - the light in my life was put out for a while.
Spring 2005
The early months of 2005 are a blur. Greiving is very hard work and long (and not over yet).
By spring the incredible fog that had engulfed my brain had lifted enough that I could think beyond the beyond basics of food work adn sleep and could start to hope for things in my life. I began to think of a daughter again. CCAI - a local agency - was called, and mild apprehension surrounded me - should I or shouldn't I... I eventually decided that I would throw my hat in the ring at the next opportunity. CCAI does a lottery for applications from single women in January (China will allow agencies only 8% of their adoptions to singles)
January 2006
The holidays and anniversary of my mother's death put me in a fog again for a while. Around Jan. 10th I remembered to check CCAI's website and I immediately saw that they were taking single applications until Jan 17 with a lottery drawing on Jan 18. If I could get the application together in time I would know in a week if I was accepted. Luckily the application is easy - the only special paperwork was a letter from my nurse practitioner saying I was healthy and could care for a child.
January 18
My application was accepted!
January 27
CCAI held an orientation for the local single women whose applications had been accepted. My introduction to the incredible paperwork process.
January 30
My lovely sister wants to do her part, so she gets certified copies of my birth certificate, saving me several days in the process! I also love the fact that she want to help.
February 1
My home study begins with the amazing KellyP - my social worker.
Feb 6
physical done - I love my NP
March 2
completed = notarized, certified & authenticated dossier received at CCAI
March 10
completed home study arrives at CCAI. Then the wait for the I-171 some important paperwork that allows me to bring my girl to the US
March 13
Fingerprints done
April 18
I-171 arrives in the mail and I immediately go to CCAI for notarization, the state of colorado office for certification and to the post office to mail it to the consulate in Chicago.
April 22
completed I-171 arrives at CCAI and dossier goes to critical review and translation.
April 26
e-mail from CCAI stating the 1st week of may is a major holiday in China and that CCAA will be closed for the week. So rather than mail my dossier to China and risk it sitting somewhere and getting lost, they decide it's beter to wait to mail it (DTC-dossier to China)
May 4
DTC date (date dossier mailed to China)
May 16, 2006
LID (log-in-date) This is the important number in regards to my wait. This is the date that CCAA (China center of adoption afairs) goes by to match me with my daughter (referral)
Now
the wait.....
Years ago
Years ago I met a single woman in her 40's at an Easter lunch. She had recently returned form China with her young daughter. I had heard of international adoption and of the situation for many girls in China, but this was the first time I had met someone who had taken the step and become a mother by adopting a Chinese girl. I was fascinated by the girl, the process, and by how Mom was relaxed and proud and much like any other mother I had met. I left the lunch that day and tucked the experience in the back of my mind somewhere. I said I would do that after I'd met someone, married, had a few of our own...then the time would be right. Well, as my life can attest to, sometimes life doesn't work out the way we plan.
So, still single, reaching the age of 40 I began thinking about having children. The family I met at Easter years before kept coming to mind. I knew that I could try to have a child, but the scare of birth defects and the fact that there were waiting children, already made, out there ready for a family swayed me toward adoption.
Sometime in 2004
My thoughts of adopting become more real. I actually began to think that it was something I could do. I freaked out at times about being a single mom, about the incredible change it would make on my carefree lifestyle (in fact, I still do), but ultimately I knew I wanted to be a mom. I talked to my mom about it, she being the pragmatic and hopeful one, was of course concerned about my single status, and the fact that I live 750 miles from her. She did say that she thought it would be difficult, but that I would be a good mom. (and, so much better for everyone if I would just move back home)
That short conversation is one that I revisit often. December 23,2004 my mother passed away unexpectedly - the light in my life was put out for a while.
Spring 2005
The early months of 2005 are a blur. Greiving is very hard work and long (and not over yet).
By spring the incredible fog that had engulfed my brain had lifted enough that I could think beyond the beyond basics of food work adn sleep and could start to hope for things in my life. I began to think of a daughter again. CCAI - a local agency - was called, and mild apprehension surrounded me - should I or shouldn't I... I eventually decided that I would throw my hat in the ring at the next opportunity. CCAI does a lottery for applications from single women in January (China will allow agencies only 8% of their adoptions to singles)
January 2006
The holidays and anniversary of my mother's death put me in a fog again for a while. Around Jan. 10th I remembered to check CCAI's website and I immediately saw that they were taking single applications until Jan 17 with a lottery drawing on Jan 18. If I could get the application together in time I would know in a week if I was accepted. Luckily the application is easy - the only special paperwork was a letter from my nurse practitioner saying I was healthy and could care for a child.
January 18
My application was accepted!
January 27
CCAI held an orientation for the local single women whose applications had been accepted. My introduction to the incredible paperwork process.
January 30
My lovely sister wants to do her part, so she gets certified copies of my birth certificate, saving me several days in the process! I also love the fact that she want to help.
February 1
My home study begins with the amazing KellyP - my social worker.
Feb 6
physical done - I love my NP
March 2
completed = notarized, certified & authenticated dossier received at CCAI
March 10
completed home study arrives at CCAI. Then the wait for the I-171 some important paperwork that allows me to bring my girl to the US
March 13
Fingerprints done
April 18
I-171 arrives in the mail and I immediately go to CCAI for notarization, the state of colorado office for certification and to the post office to mail it to the consulate in Chicago.
April 22
completed I-171 arrives at CCAI and dossier goes to critical review and translation.
April 26
e-mail from CCAI stating the 1st week of may is a major holiday in China and that CCAA will be closed for the week. So rather than mail my dossier to China and risk it sitting somewhere and getting lost, they decide it's beter to wait to mail it (DTC-dossier to China)
May 4
DTC date (date dossier mailed to China)
May 16, 2006
LID (log-in-date) This is the important number in regards to my wait. This is the date that CCAA (China center of adoption afairs) goes by to match me with my daughter (referral)
Now
the wait.....
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