Bittersweet Addiction

I’ve had a little trouble with insomnia over the last five or so years, and just when I was making some lifestyle changes and getting it under control, I found my new addticion– blogs! I have substituted reading blogs for housework, yardwork, grocery shopping, and sleeping. I think if my friends truly knew the level of my addiction, there would be an intervention.
But, I can’t help myself – maybe as the adoption process becomes a more of a fixture in my life, and not so new, I’ll be able to control this beast. But for now I really want – no, need - to know how Lily’s nursery is coming along, how Zoe’s trip to Disney world was, do they have salsa in China. I have to read, to gain knowledge, from those ahead of me in this process. I love hearing the thoughts so similar to mine that others are sharing during the wait. To hear the excitement and anticipation over referrals, to see the beautiful faces of the ‘lucky” girls getting ready to meet their forever families, and the detailing of the trips. Pure magic… as addictive as any drug.
This week my addiction has been driven to new heights as I watch for the first time – referrals. I scan the pages looking for reactions of people meeting their daughters for the first time- even if only through photographs. But, Oh those photographs! Beautiful – they reach out and grab my heart. And I think one day, it will be my girl I’m seeing for the first time.
This is a dangerous addiction, it toys with my emotions. I’m caught in the wave of excitement as families are joined, then I turn off my computer and am alone in my house with only my wishes and dreams for my referral day, my trip to China, my making a family.